And it was at this point that I was left thinking about all the time that I had wasted. All the seconds, minutes and hours that I spent doing nothing. Spent waiting. Spent viewing the future as the solution to the present. It was then that I realized that I should have spent all of this time learning, growing, evolving. But I had been too lost. Too lost in what I believed was thought. Too lost to even realize that I was lost at all… My mind jumping from one thing to another in a never-ending circle of chatter and misdirection.
I remember being submerged in the illusion… When I didn’t realize that I wasn’t really alive at all. When my body was on auto-pilot and my mind was… I don’t know where it was. I hadn’t really used it since I was a child, and hadn’t noticed as I let it slowly slip away. Buried. With each day bringing a new layer of dirt–a new darkness to further veil the light that I had long since forgotten. The same habits reinforced. The same thought patterns gouged deeper into my mind. The same constructs, the same limitations–strengthened and expanding. Enveloping all of my power, creativity and presence. Chiseling away at my mind… until it fit snugly into the machine.
And then I remember, as I sat unknowingly in the dark, a shaking. A rumbling that occurred for an instant–that made me glance in a new direction. A direction I didn’t know was there. In the days that followed I remember glancing in this direction more often, thinking about the rumble that I had felt before. Glancing but seeing nothing. Waiting, but unsure why.
After a while, the rumbling began again and continued. Laborious and difficult. Powerful and slow; endeavoring. And then it happened. The dirt above me began to shift under the force of the vibrations. The rocks and sediment flexed and churned. The walls of the world I knew began to crack and bend and for the first time, I noticed that there was something there–something above what I thought was reality. For a split second the dirt gave way, and for an instance I caught a glimpse of the light. The light that had been working tirelessly to find me, to free me, to pierce through the darkness and pull me from my false grave.
And just as soon as it had come, it was gone. The dirt falling back into place above me. The rocks resettling into position. The walls of reality bending back to their previous shape, and the darkness returning. Once again I was covered under the weight of the world, and it was all too easy to forget that any of it had ever happened at all.